For several days now, I’ve lived in denial.  Denial that my favorite shorts have ceased to function.  Denial that they will soon leave my shorts lineup, due to their right front pocket developing a large non-seam tear.

Well, I was doing what I could to extend the life of my favorite shorts.  I had placed my cell phone in the pocket with the hole, since the phone is too large to fall through.  I had also transferred my wallet and keys to my left front pocket.  All was good and I seemed to be getting by, until this afternoon.

There I was gleefully mowing the yard (okay, reluctantly mowing the yard), when I noticed my wallet on the ground.  Oh well, I thought, it must have slipped out of my pocket at some point.  I returned the wallet to my previously secure non-tear pocket and soon I found my keys on the ground.  Now, my left front pocket also had a hole.  To make matters worse, the hole was much larger than the right front pocket.  My pants were suffering a total pocket melt down.

Behold the scope of my massive left front shorts pocket hole.  Small planets could pass through that baby.

As an emergency measure, I transferred my wallet to the my left rear pocket, which is a location I have not used since I moved to baggy pants in the 1990s.  Yes, once I ditched the skin tight jeans…  Hey, I am going to stop you right there.  I insist that I did look good in those 1989 skin tight jeans with the wallet in the back pocket.  Well, okay, maybe not good, but at least I had the body and butt to make them work and oh yeah, I worked it.  Now, we shall return to my stirring tale…  Yes, once I ditched the skin tight jeans, my wallet migrated to the front pocket, so it would not tumble out of a baggy rear jean pocket.  So there my wallet was in its old stomping grounds and in a drastic attempt to keep myself together, I moved my keys to the other rear pocket.  Needless to say, you do not want your keys housed in a rear pocket.  All sorts of bad things could happen.

In addition to everything now feeling strangely foreign in their new shorts locations, my butt now looked lumpy.  Yep, wallet here, keys there.  All sorts of messy lumps.  Plus, whenever I used my keys, out of old habit, I would return them to pocket with the mysteriously formed huge hole and I would soon find the keys resting at my feet.  Then I would need to bend over in my lumpy butt shorts to retrieve the keys.  An utter, total, complete mess.

Now, my shorts are on their final voyage.  They have served me well, but when their pocket fail resulted in a lumpy butt, there is no coming back.