Okay, upon arriving home, I’ll admit that I was more than a little frightened.  It appeared as if a biker gang had arrived during my absence.

End of season, the shelves were bare.  Hardly a bottle of sunscreen to be found.  Luckily, one remained, an organic variety sunscreen.  Given the alternative of burning to a crisp, I decided to give it a try.

Pleased, by the scent of the new sunscreen, I figured that I would look at the ingredients.  Then, I saw this.

Oh, look closer.  There it is.

Yep, feel free to lick my skin, because it’s lathered in all vegan ingredients.  No animal byproducts on me.  Sun safe and delicious, too.

Top Five Conversation Topics that Make Me Uncomfortable

1) National Politics

2) Religious Disagreements

3) Sex

4) School Fundraisers

5) Everything Else

I guess it depends upon both your life experiences and how your day went as to whether the potato is…

An adorable starchy heart…

Or a butt spud…

Beauty is in the eye of the potato.

Entering my first mud run, the Rugged Maniac, I expected to make some mistakes.  Perhaps my shoes would not be tied tight enough.  Maybe I would stand up too soon and get nicked by barbed wire.  I could get mud up my nose.  Who knew?

Arriving to the race, we saw people walking around eating big turkey legs.  I envisioned myself covered in mud and sweat posing for a classic cave man type photo.  I took a mental note and lined up to start.

Mud.  Run.  Obstacle.  Repeat.

Finishing up, I searched for the turkey leg.  All I found was a sold out sign.  Alas, my greatest flaw was a delay in meal time.  No one ever said that being a cave man would be easy.

I may have gone without my turkey leg photo, but there was still some savagery caught on film.

Rugged.  Maniac.  Indeed.

What does a tired man do?  He rambles.  So that’s what I shall do.  Ramble.  Tonight’s topic for rambling:  catch phrases.

You’re asking yourself, “Dave, what does the world need?  I mean really really need.” Well, random voice in the reader’s head, the world needs a new catch phrase.  Like yesterday needed it.  Awesome?  Nope.  Cool? Please.  Lit? Gimme a break.  I’ve got something to replace them.  Get ready to have your mind blown.  The new word is “complete.”

Soon, instead of overhearing your teen boys say, “That girl is hot.” Now, you will hear, “That girl is complete.”

Instead of hearing your buddies say, “The game was awesome!” Now, you will hear, “The game was complete.”

Yep, complete.  This random babbling of a tired dude is complete.  You cool with that?

I have a “verbal tick,” a saying that I repeat too often.  When bridging two thoughts, I will say, “Any who.”

My wife, Charlene, also has a verbal tick.  When finishing a thought, she will say, “and such.”

Our 11-year-old son, Sam, has begun combining the two.  A common use is “Any who, school was good and such.”

Poor Sam, we did not mean to inflict those ticks upon you.  Any who, we are so sorry and such.

Let’s see…

About four thousand kids…

Plus, a two hour drive…

Divided by seeing your Freshman run for about twelve seconds…

Equals well worth it.

Yep, that’s about right.

Proof that you’re in Minnesota.  The box of doughnuts are left with not one remaining…  not a half remaining…  but a quarter doughnut remaining.

Impossible to tell if it was an act of kindness, passive aggression, or a last ditch attempt to save a diet in danger.  It matters not in Minnesota, because it’s just the way it is and the quarter doughnut shall remain.

Tired of my stuffy ears from a week old cold, I turned to the internet.  The first home remedy that I discovered was simple.  Briilliantly simple.  All that I needed to do was plug my nose, close my mouth, and blow until my ears popped.  Simple and brilliant.  Brilliantly simple.

I pinched my nose.  I closed my mouth.  I blew.  Nothing, so I blew harder.  Nothing, so I blew harder.  Still nothing, so I blew once more.

Then with great alarm, a puff of air flew out of my right eye tear duct.

Hum, not what I was expecting.  Not at all.

By the way, my ears are still stuffed and now, I am freaked out my air puffing eyes.  Apparently, home remedies have their place:  the year 1932.