Don’t bother waiting for the DVD release and its bonus footage, because here for the first time is the alternate ending to Star Wars – The Force Awakens. Be prepared for something (a.k.a. “You’ll know why they didn’t go with this ending”).
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
What could make an amazing Christmas ham baked by my amazing wife even better? Ah, a glaze for the Christmas ham made with the ultra tasty and award winning rum-based pineapple wine, “California Dreaming.” In addition to being super delicious on its own (sipping some as I type, typos therefore should be excused), “California Dreaming” is made in the brewery of my super talented sister Kathy and her incredible husband, Jimmy. Yep, throw on a yule log and toss back a glass of Carlin’s Luck “California Dreaming.” Before you know it, you’ll be toasting the New Year and dreaming of the West Coast. Enjoy!
Ah, Christmas Eve is here and where are my 8-year-old son Sam’s socks? Well, not hung by the chimney with care, but rather curled up in a comfy spot in front of the television. I hope that at least the yule log is on.
Merry Christmas from the Paulsen house! Socks not included.
As the stressful holiday season nears its pinnacle, here’s a post of pure levity. Not to be taken seriously. Not to be dwelled upon. Just fun. Okay, agreed upon. Just fun. And partially inspired by the Miss Universe scandal. Ah, beautiful and talented women battling in too close to call battles for a crown. Sit back and enjoy. Here we go…
One of the unexpected benefits of our new home: it came with a television in the kitchen. I know! Awesome! Well, this has led to me enjoying the Food Network, while making lunch, baking cookies, washing dishes, or any related activity.
The other day, as I made lunch for the boys, I became annoyed as they kept changing the channel from the Food Network to ESPN or much to my annoyance, the Disney Channel. To make matters worse, Giada was on TV. As I grew more and more annoyed, my 12-year-old son recognized the source of my angst (in addition to the painful canned laughter on the Disney Channel), “Dad thinks she’s cute.” Yes, I think Giada is cute. There it is out there. I’m a man and Giada is cute, so sue me.
Seeing that the Giada remark hit a little too close to home, I challenged them, “So who do I find more cute, Rachael Ray or Giada?” In unison, they answered, “Giada!” Ugh, they obviously know too much. Although a close battle, Giada knows baking. Advantage: Giada.
Seeing that they were growing a little arrogant, I challenged them. “Here’s another battle, Catwoman or Poison Ivy?” In unison, “Catwoman!” Oh dear, they really can read me. Sure Poison Ivy has a passion for saving the Earth, but Catwoman. Oh, Catwoman (sigh). Obviously the outfit, but she’s sassy, resourceful, strong, and smart. Very little to dislike, other than her evil streak. Advantage: Catwoman.
The tension mounting, I offered up, “Black Widow or Wonder Woman?” “Black Widow!” Okay, so that was a softball, but Wonder Woman is a wonder. Still, Black Widow (sigh). Kick butt, talented, resourceful, acrobatic , and of course, part of the theme, the costume. Advantage: Black Widow.
Then the hardest of them all, “Padmé (from the ‘Star Wars’ prequels) or Jane from ‘Thor’?” With delight and a sly grin, Jacob highlighted the challenge, “They are the same actress (Natalie Portman).” Then they stated with confidence, “Padmé!” Going into deep reflection, I considered the arguments. Padmé, she has the costume. Jane, she’s incredibly smart (an astrophysicist or some such thing). But here’s the kicker, Jane is older, more mature. The boys are not yet old enough to appreciate this point. Advantage: Jane.
Now, before I am awarded with the “Worst Father Ever” for this conversation, let me point something out. All of the women in the conversation are incredibly smart, talented, and (sigh)… cute. Just like my wife. Case closed.
Vegas has placed the odds of our tree taking a spill prior to Christmas Eve at 3-1.
All I’m saying is that it would be a good move to observe the caution tape.
GALAXY (FAR FAR AWAY) COOKIES
“Here you go! A cookie made to celebrate ‘Star Wars,’ just don’t be tempted by the Dark Side. Whether you’re making the jump to hyperspace or chilling on Jabba’s party barge, this is the perfect cookie. Crunchy star exterior and a blend of outer rim planetary flavored chips, you’ll be sure to pass your Jedi Academy tastiness entrance exam. Enjoy!”
1¼ cups Butter
2 cups Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons Vanilla Extract
2 cups Flour
¾ cup Baking Cocoa
1 teaspoon Baking Soda
½ teaspoon Salt
½ cup Raisins (Asteroid Belt collectively or individual asteroids all alone)
½ cup White Chocolate Chips (Hoth, but much warmer)
½ cup Cinnamon Chips (Tatooine or Jakku, depending upon your age, you get to decide)
½ cup Cherry Chips (Mustafar, it has to be Mustafar)
Pearlescent Decorators Sugar for coating (all of those stars in wars)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cream butter and sugar.
Mix in eggs and vanilla extract.
Mix in flour, baking cocoa, baking soda, and salt.
Stir in raisins, white chocolate chips, cinnamon chips, and cherry chips.
Roll Tablespoon sized balls of dough in pearlescent decorators sugar (or your preferred decorators sugar)
Place dough balls onto parchment paper lined baking sheets.
Bake for 9 minutes.
Makes about 54 cookies.
Revised Source: “Brownie Cookies” recipe from my original cookie cookbook, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie,” which as always is available for free at www.CookiesbyDave.com.
The perfect cookie for grabbing a bite to eat in the local cantina, even with blue haired creatures or the newest Sith Lord (see upper left, it has to be a new Sith Lord, I felt a disturbance in the Force).
Being new to a city, our family has been trying out new churches. Earlier today, we tried out our third church. Everything was going well and the service was following the Lutheran script that we have memorized. Little changes here and there, but nothing major.
When Communion time came along, the directions were very clear, in the bulletin, as well as announced. This church uses intinction, where you get a wafer and dip it into some wine, then eat. Bing, bang, boom, one stop shop. I got this. Plus, I really like Communion. A chance to be with the other congregants, a time to feel closer to God, a time to reflect on all the saints before us. It’s all good.
Walking through the Communion line, I was the last one in my family up to the front. My 8-year-old son Sam received his blessing, then came my turn. In the moment, I turned my eyes from my son to the Pastor and then the newly placed wafer in my hands. Then, as if by automatic reflex, I popped the wafer into my mouth. Ain’t the taste of salvation divine? Next, looking at the wine, I realized that I had forgotten something. This was an intinction service! Not eating the bread first is a crucial step! In fact, it is the only step! Luckily, the wafer was still on my tongue. Reaching in and looking at it in quick succession, I realized that no options remained. Even though the wafer was still part bread and part body, I was in the midst of a holy and potentially unhealthy fail. Seeing the sadness and confusion on my face (and without missing a beat), the pastor calmly said, “You can have another.” Whew! Saved by a man of the cloth (plus, he never mentioned doofus, while throwing me a lifeline). Ain’t forgiveness and second chances divine? I’ll drink (and then dip) to that!
So Thursday night our cable started to get all pixely and it completely messed up our Colbert viewing (Fail 1 – Should’ve called cable company at that point). On Friday, the television seemed to be working better, so I figured that the gremlins within the cable lines had moved along (Fail 2 – Why was I really so foolish to think the problem solved itself so easily). Then earlier today (Saturday – Day 3 of the Epic Tale), the cable was once again all pixeled out (I hear that cable modems lose their fizz, just like soda… Fail 3 – Horrible analogy).
On the phone with the cable company, I was clearly holding the phone up to my ear and at points talking to either a computer or human. Then my preteen son wandered into the room with his eyes fixed on his tablet. Seemingly oblivious to my phone conversation, even though as mentioned the phone was up to my ear, he perched close by and started singing. I believe it was a song in response to some “Clash of Clans” battle, but I’m not sure (Fail 4 – Very unobservant, Paulsen). Any who (Fail 5 – How old am I? 97? Any who? Really? Nice wording, Gramps), he started singing a song from the ‘80s, something like “We’re Not Gonna Take It” or “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” but those seem too fitting for my call into the cable company. This post would be better if I remembered the actual song (Fail 6), but trust me, it was something I did not want the cable operator to hear, but I was also proud of my son knowing an ‘80s classic (Fail 7 – Should this really be a source of pride? Perhaps, just fondness or something like that).
The problem was that I needed my son to be quiet, so that I could hear the phone conversation so that my son would have yet another screen to lose himself in, plus it would be embarrassing having the cable guy hear the somewhat mocking song, the title of which I still cannot remember. Shaking my head at my boy, silent language speak for “Knock it off!,” I noticed that he wasn’t looking at me. Just singing. Singing perhaps loud enough for the cable man to hear and thereby jeopardizing the mission (Fail 8 – Overdramatic Penalty). Considering my options, I gave him a soft “thump” on the top of the head to get his attention (Fail 9 – What kind of a father are you issuing a soft thump? Well in my defense, it certainly wasn’t a “thwack” or a “thunk.” No, it most definitely was a soft and somewhat loving “thump.” Fail 10 – Over justification of the parental fail noted in Fail 9). Looking up annoyed, my son saw his silent instruction and well, fell silent (Fail 11 – Lazy double use of the word “silent”). By the way, it wasn’t so long ago that such an interaction might have occurred between Doctor Huxtable and Theo on “The Cosby Show” (Fail 12 – Now, that’s just sort of a sad and now sort of a creepy by association observational fail).
Well, best to stop at a dozen fails for one post. Let’s just say that the fails associated with this drama should come to an end sometime between Noon and 2PM on Monday (aka “Day 5”). We can all subscribe to that.
Last Friday to celebrate the end of the boy’s first week at their new school, we broke out some sparkling grape juice to go with dinner. For Charlene and me, I selected a little champagne, which was of course more for the fun of it, rather than any actual enjoyment of the drink. Speaking of fun, what is one of the most fun aspects of champagne? Yep, you guessed it, the launch of the cork.
To make the most of it, I encouraged the boys to gather in back of the house for an official cork launch. Standing with my back to the house, I opened the bottle with great drama, as the cork launched into the night sky.
The next morning, well after my champagne headache subsided (a not so charming aspect of champagne), I sent the boys into the backyard to locate the cork. No dice. The cork had either entered into low Earth orbit or had landed in some random winterized backyard brush. The incident would be classified as a “cold case.”
Flash forward to earlier this afternoon (one week after the cork launch). Entering into the garage, I was followed by my faithful and rather shadowy pup, Kirby the Beagle. Before I saw that the garage had accidently been left open, Kirby bolted for the sunlight. Running at full speed, with me at partial speed in annoyed pursuit, Kirby turned sharply left and then with another quick left headed into the backyard. As I yelled a stream of commands, “Kirby, sit!,” Sit, Kirby!,” so on and so forth, Kirby continued to run, until suddenly something caught the attention of his elongated beagle nose. This smell stopped my curious pup in his tracks and allowed his rather slow master to catch up. Grabbing hold of Kirby’s collar, I saw what he had found so interesting, the cork.
According to my official estimate, the cork had traveled 65 feet (or 21 and 2/3rd “Dave Paces”) to just beyond our yard. There we have it, a new standard for cork flight and also a new alternative to invisible fencing for dogs.
The cork in its landing spot, which shows a near tree collision. Oh the dangers of backyard air travel.
HAWAIIAN PINEAPPLE COOKIES
“The other day, I received one of the best Christmas cards ever from my dear friends in Battle Creek, Michigan, Marilyn and John Doty. Back in my Junior High and High School days, I spent countless hours hanging out at the Doty house (mostly in their basement) with their son, Adam. As a result, there were countless days that the Doty’s received the company of an extra boy named Dave (I used to spell it ‘Dav,’ even though it was always pronounced ‘Dave,’ long story, but they did not seem to mind). Any who, earlier this week, we got this great Christmas card from the Dotys, which included a cookie recipe, along with a story. Years ago, they had gone on a trip to Mexico and met a cookbook author, who in turn introduced them to this delightful recipe for Hawaiian Pineapple Cookies. A Christmas card, a cookie recipe, and a story all in one envelope, now that’s a Holiday Hat Trick in my book!
Delicious sugary pineapple will dance on your tongue, as you bite into these tasty morsels. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a warmer locale, as you taste the goodness. Ah, Christmas magic, indeed. Thank you, Marilyn and John. With much love always, Dave.”
½ cup Butter
½ cup Sugar
½ cup Brown Sugar
1 Egg
Zest from 2 Lemons
2 cups Flour
1 teaspoon Baking Powder
½ teaspoon Baking Soda
¼ teaspoon Salt
8 ounces Crushed Pineapple, well drained (don’t miss this point, you need to drain these bad boys)
1 cup White Chocolate Chips
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar.
Mix in the egg and zest from 2 lemons.
Mix in the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
Mix in the crushed pineapple, which has been well drained.
Stir in the white chocolate chips.
Drop Tablespoon sized balls of dough onto aluminum foil lined baking sheets.
Bake cookies for 12 minutes, but check after 10 minutes, because these cookies will really brown up on their bottoms. The cookies should be golden brown on the top, when finished baking.
Makes about 32 cookies.
Revised Source: “Hawaiian Pineapple Cookies” from “Book of Great Cookies” by Maida Heatter by way of Mexican cookbook author Diana Kennedy by way of my good friends Marilyn and John Doty.