We had planned a simple trip to Target for my 8-year-old son Ben, my 9-year-old son Sam, and me.  Pick up a Lego gift for a birthday party and head back.  No fuss, no muss.  In and out, we’ve done this a thousand times.

With the skill and efficiency of a well oiled machine, we headed straight to the Lego aisle and picked out a gift.  We were way ahead of schedule.  Job well done, so I figured we could browse a little.  Seeing as we were only two aisles away from the Star Wars aisle and they are always restocking it with fresh toys, I announced to my boys that I was headed over there.  Arriving in the Land of Star Wars, sure enough there were new toys to consider.  My son Sam arrived a few seconds later and we briefly discussed Stormtrooper apparel.  Then it struck me, where was Ben?

I strolled back to the Lego aisle.  No Ben.  A lap around the toy section.  No Ben.  I looked in the adjacent electronic’s department.  No Ben.  It had been less than a minute or two and fellow shoppers went about their business carefree.

I instructed Sam to stay in the Lego aisle, in case Ben returned there, and I figured I would head toward the front of the store.  Perhaps Ben thought we had planned on checking out.

On my way, I had the thoughts that all parents have in such instances, “How could I have been so stupid?  Don’t be ridiculous, he’s just fine.  Don’t panic, there’s nothing to worry about.  Damn society for even making me think such dark thoughts.”

As I approached the front, another shopper at the end of a checkout lane looked at me and said, “Are you the dad?”  I flashed a hesitant smile and nodded, not pausing, as I continued to the Customer Service counter.  There was my son with an employee, who was preparing to find me among the Lego goodies.

Sure enough, Ben figured we had headed to buy our gift.  Simple miscommunication.  Excellent store response.  Questionable parenting, but fast enough response to save me from any unjustified “Bad Dad” labeling.

On a more quantitative note, it had been at least six years since I had misplaced a child.  A pretty good run over the span of three homes and three growing boys.  Now my Dad clock has been reset to “0 days, since Misplacing a Child.”  Time to redeem myself.  Everyone deserves a chance to start a new streak.

 

 

I had a meeting in another department.  As I entered, I was offered a cup of coffee.  Well, why not?  Sure.  I’m up for a cup of coffee.

Little did I know that a cup of coffee would arrive that would blow my mind.  I was handed (get ready for this) a paper cup with handles!  Whoa!  I know!  Right!  Handles!

Sure the cup was a bit awkward.  Sure the cup tended toward the digging-into-the-fingers portion of the spectrum.  But still, handles on a paper coffee cup!

Needless to say, I know what department I plan on visiting a lot in the future.  The Land of Coffee Cup Innovation.

Life high your cup (by the handle)!

Tonight, I did not have much to write about, so I set about looking for random socks sitting here and there around the house for the “Where in the World are ______’s Socks?” series.  No luck.  Humph.  Lousy night to decide to get tidy, kids.

Discouraged, I set about making dinner.  I thought I was doing well, but unfortunately our hyper-vigilant smoke alarm begged to differ.

After calming down the house, I waved the “smoke” (more like a fine cooking mist) away from the smoke detector and returned to making dinner.

Sure enough, the alarm went off again.  Alright, smoke alarm.  I know that dinner is not all that great, but it is not burning.  I promise.  Waving the smoke away, I returned again to the kitchen.

For a third time, the alarm went off.  Argh.  Now, it is just being mean spirited.  Not safety conscious, just grumpy and hurtful.

Returning to the kitchen I opened a window to the January night.  Some nights you cannot find abandoned socks to save your life, even while your smoke alarm goes out of its way to save yours.

[Note the timeline in this post is a bit off from reality, but trust me, all of the events did happen, just not in this sequence.  Taking liberty with such details made for a much better story.  Please, give me a break.  I did not even have leftover socks to work with tonight.]

 

It had been the buzz of our house for a few days.  Rumor had it that a new “Fourth/Fifth Grade Area” was coming to after school care.

Tonight, as I picked up the Paulsen Boys, I saw the reality of the “Fourth/Fifth Grade Area.”  Sure enough, it had the makings of an exclusive club.  A sound system playing pop hits was nestled between bean bag chairs within a cozy 10′ x 10′ tucked away corner.  I fetched my son from the new kid hot spot, as two girls lounging nearby bid him farewell.  It was indeed a place that I could have seen myself enjoying as a 10-year-old.  Way to go, after school care.

On the drive home, our Fourth Grader Sam raved about the new “big kid” alcove and its coming features.  Apparently, it would soon feature a PlayStation game counsel.  At the end of the year, it was anticipated that a chocolate fountain and a popcorn machine would make a special appearance.  And finally, Sam announced enthusiastically that next week, they were going to hang a copy of the Constitution on the wall.

Hey, wait!  Stop the Kidz Bop soundtrack.  What?  Suddenly, the party became all political.  Suddenly, the Boston Tea Party sounded kind of lame.  Suddenly, the “Fourth/Fifth Grade Area” lost a whole lot of cool, a whole lot of quickly.

We the people know this just ain’t right.  We hold these truths to be self evident.  #DropTheMic

 

Driving to work, I passed a White Castle restaurant.  What I saw was shocking.  Not the restaurant itself, which is full of small greasy hamburgers.  Not the fact that well past a normal lunch hour, there were still lots of cars in the parking lot.  No, what shocked me was their sign, “Valentines Reservations (phone number).”

Huh?  Valentines Day at White Castle?  I mentioned this to a friend at work and it’s a real thing.  Apparently, they scale up their menu on Valentines Day and for one night become a sit-down restaurant.  People sit-down.  Wait staff helps them.  They select food from an actual menu with real food type items.  It’s a real thing.  I remained shocked.

Shocked at the clever nature of the promotion.  What better way for women to weed out questionable life companions?  “Hey, honey.  Happy Valentines Day!  Guess what?  I got us reservations at White Castle!”  Oh my dear God in Heaven.  Not good.  Not a good situation at all or under any circumstance.

So here it is, my Free Relationship Advice of the Day.  Gentlemen, you might think it would be funny.  You might think it would be adventurous.  You might actually think in your gut of guts that it might even taste good.  Listen here, YOU’RE WRONG!  DEAD WRONG!  BAD IDEA!

There are plenty of great options for Valentines Day.  Wine, flowers, chocolate, or a pretty card would all work, but trust me, my friend, White Castle does not belong in this group.  Never, ever, ever.  #MakeLoveNotMistakes

 

Don’t bother me with crime reports.

Statistics just don’t hold up.

How can I get absolute proof that our neighborhood is safe?

Load the kids into the car.  Drive to brunch.  Stay inside for about 45 minutes.  Return to find that your kids left the rear car door wide open.

There, free for the taking was an arm rest containing about $3 in pocket change (mostly pennies), a half empty metal Altoids container, and an old church bulletin.  Oh, someone really missed out.  They could have found Jesus, while using the Altoids box to run off with coins a plenty.

Keep your stats, I have some absent minded kids and enough money to buy a Gatorade to remind me that I can sleep safe and snug tonight.

 

NUT GOODIE COOKIES

“Here in Minnesota, one of the regional treats is the ‘Nut Goodie’ candy bar.  This cookie is a faithful tribute.  Maple flavor enhanced chocolate nestling salty peanuts make this a delicious bite, no matter where you call home.  Enjoy!”

COOKIE INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup Butter

2/3 cup Brown Sugar

1 Egg Yolk

2 Tablespoons Whole Milk

2 teaspoons Vanilla Extract

 

1 cup Flour

1/3 cup Cocoa Powder

1/4 teaspoon Salt

1 Egg White

3/4 cup Peanuts

FILLING INGREDIENTS

2 Tablespoons Butter

2 Tablespoons Sweetened Condensed Milk

1 teaspoon Maple Extract

1/2 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

1 1/2 teaspoons Whole Milk

1 cup Powdered Sugar

DRIZZLE INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup Semisweet Chocolate Chips

2 Tablespoons Heavy Cream

 

Cream butter and brown sugar.

Mix in egg yolk, 2 Tablespoons whole milk, and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract.

Mix in flour, cocoa powder, and salt.  Set aside.

Chill dough for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Using a food processor, coursely grind the peanuts.

Roll dough into 1 inch round balls.

Take one dough ball, dip half of it into the egg white, and then coat the egg white covered portion in peanuts.

Place dough ball onto a parchment paper lined baking sheet, peanut side up.

Using your thumb, make an indentation into the dough ball.

Repeat.

Bake for 8 minutes.

Remove from oven, and place baking sheets onto wire racks.

Use your thumb to once again ensure that the indentation exists in each cookie.

Prepare the filling by mixing together softened 2 Tablespoons of butter, 2 Tablespoons sweetened condensed milk, maple extract, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract, 1 1/2 teaspoons whole milk, and powdered sugar.

Spoon into each cookie’s indentation.

Prepare the drizzle by microwaving the chocolate chips and heavy cream for 30 seconds.

Stir until the drizzle forms.

Pipe over cookies.

 

Makes about 24 cookies.

Revised Source:  Crystal Schlueter’s winning recipe of “Nut Goodie Thumbprints” in the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

 

Heading to pick up my 7th Grade son Jacob from Wednesday night confirmation class, I parked my car in the church parking lot on a dark January evening and waited.

Soon I saw Jacob headed out of the church. I popped out of the car and waved my arms to help him spot me. Discovering me in the sea of cars, he headed in my direction. After about five steps however, we both noticed something was wrong. He stopped in his tracks. I stopped waiving. It was not Jacob. I was not his father. I had been flagging down a random 7th Grader.

Embarrassed, he retreated to the church. I retreated back into the relative safe confines of my car. I sat and waited. More patient this time. My child would arrive soon. No need to replace him with a different teen and no need to worsen my standing as the “creepiest car in the parking lot.”

 

I like to think of myself as a positive guy, but I’m sorry, the French Vanilla cappuccino from this vending machine is half empty.

#CoffeeSadness #WhatFiftyCentsGetsYou

My dear wife’s socks perched upon our laptop.

Don’t worry hosiery of my love, with this post, you’ve officially made it.  Internet immortality, you’re already there.

If on the other hand, you want my PayPal password to order some shoes.  Well, in that case, you’re out of luck my nylonish texture friends.