Today was my 2^nd anniversary at work.  Now, some people would say, “Really, you haven’t finished up yet?”  Well, yes and no.  I’ve finished up a few things, started some new things, and I am even proud to report that yesterday, I accomplished one task.  Yes, one whole task.  Winning.  Plus, I am a temporary part-time contracted employee, so two years is sort of like five months in full-time regular employee hours, so I really have accomplished a lot in only five months.  And all the people say, “Nice try, Paulsen.”

So I woke up this morning, thinking to myself, “I’m going to head into work and start out ‘Year 3’ by getting a lot done.”  Retrieving the morning newspaper, however, I was suddenly transported back in time.  Back in time by exactly two years to the very day that I started work at my job.  It just so happened that the newspaper ran a story about one of my projects at work on the front page and they inserted their file photo for me (thankfully, below the fold).  The file photo that was taken about 2½ hours after I started my job and was taken with the camera exactly 2½ inches from my face.  A monumentally extreme close-up and easily the worst photo I have ever taken.  It is such a bad photo that it looks like I fell off a truck full of shovels and hit every single one on the way down.  To make matters worse, my co-worker was also pictured in the article and she looks all fabulous and professional, leaving me to look like some hideous cubicle dwelling beast. 

Sorry, I forgot to warn you that I was going to show the photo.  I hope you are still able to sleep tonight.

Oh well, I knew I had a bad file photo so I kind of accept the fact that anytime I appear in the paper it looks like I not only got hit with the ugly stick, but that the whole ugly tree toppled over on top of me.  Ugh.  Get to work and it will get better, or so I thought.  I only planned on working a short time (I am after all a temporary part-time contracted employee, I have my standards you know) and one of my jobs was calling a committee member in Florida.  Ending the call, the individual mentioned to me, “You know you really should get a new file photo.”  Good Lord!  Word of my repulsive photo had made it over 1,700 miles to the south.  My picture was now frightening people across the country.

Meeting my wife for coffee, I asked her, “Am I really as ugly as I appeared in the newspaper?”  Being a good wife, she responded with a gentle reassurance of “No.”  I would have taken “handsome,” but “not ugly” was fine with me.  Then I remembered the proof I needed.  Proof that I was not the Quasimodo of my office building.  There was another photo taken of me the day I started work.  Another photo taken only 3 hours after the first.  Proof that I looked normal.  Proof that I could cling to.

Somehow, after only 3 hours in a productive and professional work environment, I had once again become a normal looking public employee (and a regular looking human being, as well).  My metamorphosis was complete.

So folks, if sometimes ugly parts of your past revisit you, remember there are also plenty of good things in your past as well.  Find those good things, cling to them, and arrange for a new file photo to be taken, because you might as well look fab next time you appear on the front page.

One disadvantage of a blog is that your kids eventually read it.  This has a mild censoring impact, but it more directly impacts content spontaneity.  Take for instance my 11-year-old son Jacob’s socks, which have for the past six months have been part of a photo series entitled, “Where in the World are Jacob’s Socks?,” when they were mindlessly placed in unusual locations around the house.  Realizing that his socks were becoming popular, I received the following request from Jacob, “Dad, take a picture of my socks,” as they were intentionally placed in a silly location.  Humorous?  Yes.  Candid?  Nope.  Something has been lost in the process.

Socks atop a cardboard Culkin.

A little down and fearing that all spontaneity was gone, this evening I took 6-year-old Ben to a fun Doctor Seuss birthday party.  Sitting crisscross apple sauce on a rug, listening to “Green Eggs and Ham,” Ben started dumping his evening’s treasures into my lap.  First a juice box, then a bag of goldfish crackers, and finally a “Thing 1” paper doll (or “Thing 2” paper doll, I forget which one).  Looking down, I saw the paper doll also appearing to listen to the story.  A strange and disturbing sight that I shall speak of no more.  I always found “Thing 1” and “Thing 2” just plain creepy on a primal level and this just brought those eerie thoughts way too close for comfort.  Needless to say, I immediately moved the paper doll’s seating assignment.  A fearsome new low had been realized, but on the bright side I guess some level of spontaneity was rekindled.

Thing 1 or Thing 2.  Take your pick.  I say in either case, good ol’ creepy.

Okay, please forgive me.  My Fortune Cookie post, in honor of the Chinese New Year, is a little late, but the Ram/Goat/Sheep of the Year said it was the thought that counts.

Any who (a popular transitional saying in China), my Fortune Cookie recipe can be found on page 69 of my cookie cookbook, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie.”  By the way, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie” has been downloaded a whopping (a common description used for emphasis in China) 170 times over the last six months.  So enjoy your free copy by clicking on the “Cookbook” tab at www.CookiesbyDave.com today.

My Fortune Cookies in action.

Well, my personal favorite insert for Fortune Cookies are select passages from the Book of Proverbs.  I tell you, that King Solomon really had a knack (a word used a lot in ancient China) for sayings that work, when placed inside a tasty cookie treat.  Here are my Top Ten favorites (without much thought given to selection or ranking, just gut instinct), enjoy and Happy (belated) Year of the Ram/Goat/Sheep type animal.

#10 – Friends mean well, even when they hurt you.  But when an enemy puts his arm around your shoulder – watch out!  Proverbs 27:6

#9 – The weight of stone and sand is nothing compared to the trouble the stupidity can cause.  Proverbs 27:3

#8 – Charcoal keeps the embers glowing, wood keeps the fire burning, and troublemakers keep arguments alive.  Proverbs 26:21

#7 – If you want to stay out of trouble, be careful what you say.  Proverbs 21:23

#6 – Too much honey is bad for you, and so is trying to win too much praise.  Proverbs 25:27

#5 – Being cheerful keeps you healthy.  It is slow death to be gloomy all the time.  Proverbs 17:22

#4 – Don’t take it on yourself to repay a wrong.  Trust the Lord and he will make it right.  Proverbs 20:22

#3 – Getting involved in an argument that is none of your business is like going down the street and grabbing a dog by the ears.  Proverbs 26:17

#2 – If someone is angry with you, a gift given secretly will calm him down.  Proverbs 21:14

#1 – You might as well curse your friends as wake them up early in the morning with a loud greeting.  Proverbs 27:14

Q:  Why was Dave wearing a sweater with a prominent hole in it to church?  A hole in his sweater located on the northern foothills of his belly.  Shameful.

A:  Said hole was discovered during the church service and is consistent with every other article of clothing that I own.  Seemingly every piece of my apparel has been partially destroyed by the never ending northern winter.  Gloves, socks, underwear (gasp!), shirts, jeans, and now this sweater all falling victim to ceaseless subzero temps.

Q:  Why not remove shameful sweater with a hole and just wear the undergarment?

A:  I would have, if a dress shirt dwelled beneath.  Unfortunately, a highly inappropriate brewery shirt was underneath.  A brewery shirt that featured crazed abolitionist John Brown holding a beer, instead of a gun.  Cool t-shirt, but certainly needing church appropriate covering, holey or not.

Original painting of John Brown.  Gun, bible, and crazy eyes.

John Brown, the T-Shirt Version.  Beer, tap, and crazy eyes.

Q:  Is the holey sweater still part of Dave’s stunning garment collection?

A:  It has been donated to Kirby the Beagle’s crate, where it will be unceremoniously torn to shreds by a protesting imprisoned pup, never to return again.  Rest in peace holey sweater, you served me well.

Kirby’s new bedding…  the sweater’s last stop.

THIN MINT BROWNIES

“Exiting the grocery store, there was a wonderful sight.  The annual table of Girl Scout cookies was beckoning me.  Buying two boxes of Thin Mints, I headed for the door, when a brave and wonderful thought crossed my mind.  What if I repurposed the Thin Mints and baked them inside brownies?  A risky move considering that you can only purchase Thin Mints once-a-year and my wife likes to ration them from the freezer for the remaining 11 months.  Would I be risking a precious resource?  Was I being careless with the ‘Saffron of the Cookie World?’
Thankfully, I can report that my experiment was a huge success and the Thin Mint Brownies are a delight.  Minty with a cookie crunch, these brownies would make even the hardest working Girl Scout proud.  Pour a cup of milk, curl up by the fire, and take a bite.  These brownies will put a smile on your face.”

Brownie Ingredients

1 cup Butter

2 ounces Semi-Sweet Chocolate

1 ounce Unsweetened Chocolate

1¼ cups Sugar

3 Eggs

2 Tablespoons Vanilla Extract

¼ cup Sour Cream

½ cup Flour

½ cup Coco Powder

1 teaspoon Salt

1 box Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies

Frosting Ingredients

8 ounces Cream Cheese, room temperature

2 cups Powdered Sugar

1 teaspoon Mint Extract

3 drops Green Food Coloring

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Using a microwave, melt together the butter, semi-sweet chocolate, and unsweetened chocolate.  Check and stir every 30 seconds.

Mix together the sugar and chocolate mixture.

Mix in the eggs and vanilla extract.

Mix in the sour cream.

Mix in the flour, coco powder, and salt.

Chop ¾ of the Thin Mints and fold into the batter.

Pour the batter into an aluminum foil lined and greased 9”x9” baking pan.

Bake for 40 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Let brownies cool to room temperature.

Mix together the room temperature cream cheese, powdered sugar, mint extract, and green food coloring.

Spread the green frosting over the brownies.

Using a food processor, pulverize the remaining ¼ thin mints.

Sprinkle the pulverized thin mints over the frosting covered brownies.

Refrigerate for 30 minutes before cutting.

Store the leftovers in the refrigerator.

Makes 16-25 brownies.

Revised Source:  “Grasshopper Brownies” from www.bakeaholicmama.com.

All good things must come to an end and Lemon Cookie Week is no exception.  So without further ado, I present to you “Ooey Gooey Lemon Bars,” the final Lemon Cookie of the Week.

What?  An explanation is needed?  Why was there a Lemon Cookie Week in the first place?  Did I stumble across a crate full of lemons?  Was I hit in the head with a large lemon?  Is the only cure for my disease a daily regimen of lemony treats? Well, it all started a few months ago.  My 6-year-old Ben was looking through his favorite Sesame Street Cookie Cookbook, which features fun pictures, but the recipes are lacking.  He really wanted to make some of the book’s lemon cookies, but I did not have the right ingredients.  A few weeks later, Ben asked again.  Again, I put him off.  This cycle repeated itself several times, until last Friday.  Ben was home sick and once again asked about lemon cookies.  I pounced on the opportunity to make Ben feel a little better.  Add a lot of parental overcompensation and walla, you have not only a batch of lemon cookies, you have “Lemon Cookie Week!”  Ben’s brothers like to point out, “Yeah, but you still took a long time to make them.”  Hey kids, don’t burst my lemony bubble, Daddy finally made things right.  Savor the moment; celebrate “Lemon Cookie Week.”

Now, let’s close with a rundown of Lemon Cookie Week’s selections…

Sunday – Ricotta Lemon Cookies

Monday – Lemon Cake Mix Cookies

Tuesday – Lemon Glazed Cookies

Wednesday – Lemon Sugar Cookies

Thursday – Lemon Shortbread Fingers

Friday – Lemon Bars

Saturday (today’s exciting conclusion of Lemon Cookie Week) – Ooey Gooey Lemon Bars (see below)

OOEY GOOEY LEMON BARS

“These bars live up to their name with a super dense, super moist interior.  Plus, they feature sweetened condensed milk, which I could just drink straight from the can, and is perhaps the most delicious thing on Planet Earth.  If you liked the Lemon Cake Mix Cookies, you’ll like Ooey Gooey Lemon Bars.”

Ooey Gooey Ingredients

15.25 ounce box of Lemon Cake Mix

1/2 cup Butter

1 Egg

½ cup White Chocolate Chips

½ cup Sweetened Condensed Milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix together lemon cake mix, butter, and egg.

Line a 9”x9” pan with aluminum foil.  Coat the foil in cooking spray.

Press 2/3 of the dough into the bottom of the pan.  Make sure to cover the bottom.

Sprinkle on the white chocolate chips.

Drizzle the sweetened condensed milk over the white chocolate chips and lemon cake mix dough.

Break the remaining 1/3 of the lemon cake mix dough into small chunks.

Flatten the chunks and place over the sweetened condensed milk, forming a patchwork top layer.

Gently press down on the top layer of dough.

Bake for 30 minutes or until the bars have browned slightly.

Cool completely to room temperature.

Before cutting, place in the refrigerator to chill for 10 minutes.

Makes about 36 tiny bite size bars.

Revised Source:  “Lemon Gooey Bars” by Dorothy Kerns on www.crazyforcrust.com.

Welcome to the penultimate day of Lemon Cookie Week!  Here’s a rundown of how we arrived at Day 6…

Sunday – Ricotta Lemon Cookies

Monday – Lemon Cake Mix Cookies

Tuesday – Lemon Glazed Cookies

Wednesday – Lemon Sugar Cookies

Thursday – Lemon Shortbread Fingers

and for today, a true classic – Lemon Bars (see below)

LEMON BARS

Crust Ingredients

1 cup Butter

½ cup Sugar

2 cups Flour

1/8 teaspoon Salt

Filling Ingredients

6 Eggs

3 cups Sugar

2 Tablespoons Lemon Zest

1 cup Lemon Juice

1 cup Flour

Powdered Sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter and sugar.

Mix in flour and salt.

Press the dough into the bottom of a 9”x13” pan.  Have the dough go ½ inch up the sides of the pan.

Chill the dough covered pan for 10 minutes.

Bake for 20 minutes or until the crust is very light brown.

Let cool.

Mix together eggs, sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice, and flour.

Pour over cooled crust.

Bake for 35 minutes or until the filling is set.

Let cool completely.

Cut into bars and dust with powdered sugar, before serving.

Makes about 42 bars.

Revised Source:  Barefoot Contessa “Lemon Bars” on www.foodnetwork.com.

Ah…  such a glorious sight to behold…  five types of lemon cookies in a beautiful circle of lemony life.

(from the top and sort of clockwise)

Ricotta Lemon Cookies at 12 o’clock,

today’s featured cookie Lemon Shortbread Fingers with one pointing toward 2 o’clock,

Lemon Cake Mix Cookies at 3 o’clock,

a Lemon Glazed Cookie at 6 o’clock,

and some Lemon Sugar Cookies dominating 7 o’clock to 11 o’clock.

LEMON SHORTBREAD FINGERS

“These cookies look fancy, but are very simple to make.  Once you roll the dough into tiny logs, you are halfway to the finish line.  The only real hard part involves having enough patience to allow the white chocolate enough time to fully set, before you gobble one up.  You can always fill the time by eating all of the leftover melted white chocolate or just go ahead and drink it directly from the bowl.  You would not want perfectly good melted white chocolate to go to waste.”

Cookie Ingredients

1 cup Butter

¾ cup Brown Sugar

2 teaspoons Lemon Juice

Zest of one Lemon

2 cups Flour

White Chocolate Coating

4 ounces White Chocolate

1 Tablespoon Crisco Shortening

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

Cream butter and brown sugar.

Mix in lemon juice and lemon zest.

Mix in flour.

Form tablespoon sized pieces of dough into logs and place on a parchment paper lined baking sheet.

Bake for 15 minutes or until the cookie bottoms are light brown.

Allow cookies to fully cool.

Heat the white chocolate in a microwave until fully melted, while checking every 30 seconds.

Stir in the Crisco shortening until melted and combined with the white chocolate.

Dip one half of each cookie into the white chocolate mixture.

Allow white chocolate to set on a surface covered in wax paper.

Makes about 30 cookies.

Revised Source:  “Lemon Shortbread Cookies” on www.food.com.

Welcome to the cookie sensation that’s sweeping the nation, “Lemon Cookie Week.”  Today, we celebrate the sugar cookie with a delicious taste of lemon.

The Lemon Sugar Cookie joins this week’s featured lemon cookies…

Sunday – Ricotta Lemon Cookies

Monday – Lemon Cake Mix Cookies

Tuesday – Lemon Glazed Cookies

LEMON SUGAR COOKIES

“Got that itch for a sugar cookie?  Got that itch for lemon?  Well, here’s the answer.  Classic sugar cookie texture and lemony taste, all within one delicious cookie.  In my batch, some came out flat (good) and some came out puffy (better), but no worries, they were all tasty (best).”

1 cup Butter

1¾ cup Sugar

1 Egg

1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

½ teaspoon Lemon Extract

4 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

Zest of one Lemon

3 cups Flour

1 teaspoon Baking Soda

½ teaspoon Baking Powder

½ teaspoon Salt

Sugar for rolling

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter and 1¾ cups sugar.

Mix in egg, vanilla extract, lemon extract, lemon juice, and lemon zest.

Mix in flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

Roll tablespoon sized balls of dough in remaining sugar.

Place sugar coated balls of dough onto parchment paper lined baking sheets.

Bake for 12 minutes or until the bottoms of the cookies are light brown.

Makes about 54 cookies.

Revised Source:  “Lemon Sugar Cookies” on jensfavoritecookies.com

Today, I was going to pay tribute to the “Hat Trick,” but since it is Lent, I decided to go theological.  As a result, I am proud to present “Lemon Glazed Cookies,” the third cookie in the “Triune Lemon Cookie.” 

Coupled with my last two posts (Ricotta Lemon Cookies and Lemon Cake Mix Cookies), the Lemon Glaze Cookies complete the “Triune Lemon Cookie.”  Each part their own unique cookie, but at the same time all lemon.

LEMON GLAZED COOKIES

“The cookie portion of this treat leave the ‘lemon talking’ to the delicious glaze.  Coupled they create a pleasant balance of standard cookie and powerful lemon pop.”

Cookie Ingredients

1 cup Butter

1½ cups Sugar

1 Egg

1 teaspoon Lemon Juice

1 Tablespoon Lemon Zest

1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

2¼ cups Flour

½ teaspoon Baking Powder

½ teaspoon Salt

Glaze Ingredients

1½ cups Powdered Sugar

1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice

1 Tablespoon Lemon Zest

1 Tablespoon Milk

¼ teaspoon Vanilla Extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter and sugar.

Mix in egg, lemon juice, lemon zest, and vanilla extract.

Mix in flour, baking powder, and salt.

Place tablespoon sized balls of dough on parchment paper lined baking sheets.

Bake for 10 minutes or until the edges of the cookies are light brown.

Cool completely.

Stir together powdered sugar, lemon juice, lemon zest, milk, and vanilla extract.

Place a dollop of the glaze on each cookie.

Allow glaze to completely set.

Makes about 48 cookies.

Revised Source:  “Lemon Cookies” posted on www.chef-in-training.com.