This morning, I received a pleasant surprise.  As I cleared out its spam folder, I realized that in the early morning hours my web site, www.CookiesbyDave.com, had its 10,000^th visitor!  That’s right, 10,000 times someone has actually visited my site.  Awesome!   I still find it humbling that people actually reading my daily posts, thank you one and all.  Needless to say, the rest of the morning, I was a little giddy.

Unfortunately, my giddiness was vented onto my unsuspecting kids in the form of me randomly and completely out of context quoting the lyrics from the song, “Uptown Funk.”

For example…

Me:  “Hey, Sam.”

My 8-year-old son Sam:  “What, Dad?”

Me: “I’m so hot that a dragon wants to retire.”

Sam:  “Stop it, Dad!”

Another, as the kids were getting ready for school…

Me:  “Before we leave, let me tell you a little something.”

My Boys:  (loud groan, followed by…) “Stop it, Dad!”

It did however encourage them to quickly get ready to leave for school.  Torture by “Dorky Dad,” a universally accepted method for getting kids out the door.

So as I walked with the boys to school, I gave them a break from my bad singing and shared with them the good news about my web site surpassing 10,000 visitors.  Momentarily impressed, Sam who has recently been reading the Guinness Book of World Records shared with me who has the most Twitter followers (Katy Perry with 52 million).  Ugh, thanks for the perspective, son.  I guess I deserved that considering that “I gotta kiss myself, I’m so pretty.”

Epilogue – Earlier this month, my web site passed another milestone.  My cookie cookbook, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie,” was downloaded for its 200^th time!  Yep, 200 families all baking fresh cookies from my magnum opus.  It’s a good feeling.  So, I’m passing this factoid along to my wife, who long ago pointed out my lack of entrepreneurial common sense in giving away my cookbook for free.  “Let’s see,” my wife spelled out, “200 downloads times $5 each would have been $1,000.”  Ah yes, my dear wife, but at $5 apiece, I would have sold exactly two cookbooks.  One to myself and another to my mom.  Ah, perspective.  Humbling perspective.

Epilogue Too – Whenever my baby (www.CookiesbyDave.com) reaches another milestone, I get a little (a lot) nostalgic (?) (Hasn’t it only been around since last September?) (Am I using too many parenthesis for one sentence?).  Indulging in nostalgia, here are links to my five (actually six) favorite posts…

#5 (tie)…  A tale of a chip stuck in a bottle (“Chip on the Ocean”) and my desperate attempt to maintain control in a digital age (“Christmas All Lawyered-Up”).

#4…  My first post (“Enjoy that New Blog Smell”).

#3…  Always think twice before ordering the “Wet Rub” (“Wings. Beer. Awkward Moment.”).

#2…  My tribute to my beautiful and talented wife, Charlene (“Pride”).

#1…  If only Jennifer Lawrence would just return my phone calls (“That’s Cold(play)”).

Thank you for helping my “10,000” happen!  You are the best and remember, today is a great day for a cookie!

I looked at it.  It was truly a thing of beauty.  A plan.  A schedule.  A budget.  A strategy.  All there.  All contained on one beautiful spreadsheet.  More than a well-crafted document.  It was a work of art.  A spreadsheet that moves bureaucrats to tears and embodies an organizational vision.  More essence than numbers.  More soul than statistics.  It was dynamic.  It was my all.

Heading back from the community printer, I felt a dark curtain fall over my joy.  I realized that no matter how proud I was of my work.  Its beauty could never be fully appreciated by another.  The inner glory of my creation could only be seen by me.  Creator and creation needing one another to fully recognize their potential.

Walking toward the copy machine, I held my spreadsheet close.  My magnum opus born from a screen.  I needed to be brave.  I needed to shed my fear of rejection.  I needed to share my pride.  Yes, I would share it with the world for a cubicle was no place to house its boundless potential.  I believe in you spreadsheet, now share your info with others.  Spread(sheet) your wings and fly.

Dear Amazon,

Thank you for all of the fine products that I have ordered in the past.  Unfortunately, my most recent purchase was incomplete.  I ordered a full dog and upon receipt realized that only half-a-dog had been delivered.  Plus, it was the least desirable end.

When you have an opportunity, please send the remainder of my order so I can complete my pup.

Sincerely,

Dave Paulsen

PS – It does however make for a lovely foot warmer upon entering and exiting our bed.

Half-a-Dog #WeCouldNotAffordtheOtherEnd

The other day, I overdid it a bit at the gym. Okay, I really overdid it. A few days later, I am still suffering the consequences… a pain in my hip joint, which is comically located very close to my rump and as a result it is a borderline pain in the butt. There I said it, now I can move on.

Any who, there I was hobbling around the office today. Back and forth. Pain. Upstairs and down. Hobble. To meetings and back. I had a packed schedule, but strangely enough, no problems (other than the grumpy hip joint). Everyone in my world was working together to problem solve. We were rowing in the same direction. Strangely enough, no one was being a “Pain in the Hip.”

Well, trying to catch up and not bring any work home, I was there a little beyond closing time. Shutting down my computer and getting ready to leave, I realized something. Everyone else had left. I was a lone cube dweller. A lost soul in the office. No one had said “goodnight.” I had simply been left behind. A forgotten colleague. A tumbleweed rolled past my cubicle. I was alone.

At dinner this evening, I relayed my daily tales. Most were success stories. Productive presentations. Glorious spreadsheets. A good day, with the exception of the end of day abandonment. My status as a leftover employee. Then with a look of agreement, my family informed me that I appeared to be a “high maintenance” employee. Apparently, I did not need to look any further, I was the “Pain in the Hip.”

It is a long standing and unquestioned tradition in the Paulsen house that when Charlene is out-of-town, late in the evening, Dave will settle in and watch a movie that Charlene would never select.  Never ever ever select.  This is why Saturday evening was no surprise.  There I was, settled all comfy into the couch.  An expensive high quality beer in hand.  A movie that Charlene would never select in the DVD player.  Planet of the Apes.  The most recent edition of the rebooted series.  The one I had yet to see.  Plus, monkeys give me the creepy crawlies.  I don’t know why, they just make me uncomfortable.  Perhaps, because they all want to kill me.  Yep, that’s it.  Any who, with a smile on my face, the lights out, and all ready to get scared, I hit play and…  disappointment.  Massive disappointment.  I had seen this one before.  Ugh.  Sadness.  Great primate sadness.  I had accidently rented “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and not “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”  Hey, a guy can be forgiven, they both have monkeys on the cover.  Mean looking monkeys.

Ugh.  I needed to carryon, so I turned to my trusted hobby baking.  Finding a new recipe, I realized that the cookies looked a lot like “Snowballs,” which are yummy little bites that often contain jelly beans inside.  Conducting some research, I found myself to be wrong.  “Snowballs” contained eggs and my selection, “Shortbread Buttons,” was sans eggs.  They did indeed look like a new selection.  Taking them into work today, a friend complemented me on my Russian Tea Cakes.  Oh dear, it dawned on me.  I had blundered.  Russian Tea Cakes = Polvorones = Mexican Wedding Cookies = Shortbread Buttons.  I had conducted another unintended repeat (although technically this one had a small change in the adding of the butter, so based on a technicality, it could be considered a unique cookie in a court of law).  I seemed to be in a rut.  A rut that only primates can truly appreciate.  Man smarter than ape?  Not in my case.

PS – Looking to bake tasty Mexican Wedding Cookies?  Turn to page 60 of my cookie cookbook, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie,” and enjoy!

PPS – Turn to page 57 and there you will find “Surprise Snowballs.”  Enjoy!  Again!

SHORTBREAD BUTTONS

“If you like shortbread, you’ll love these little bites of shortbread happiness.  Dusted in powdered sugar, they provide a welcoming sweet taste.  Also, word to the wise, make sure to divide the dough into the tablespoon sized balls BEFORE refrigeration.  I put the dough into the fridge as one large disk and got back one very large and very difficult to work with disk of cold dough the next day.  Otherwise, pretty straightforward stuff to fulfill your shortbread desires.”

1 cup Butter

¾ cup Powdered Sugar

1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract

2¼ cups Flour

¾ teaspoon Salt

Extra Powdered Sugar to cover the cookies

Cream the butter and powdered sugar.

Mix in the vanilla extract.

Mix in the flour and salt.

Form the dough into tablespoon sized balls.

Chill overnight.  Do NOT refrigerate the dough in a large disk.  Make sure that the dough is in tablespoon sized balls of dough, PRIOR to refrigeration.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Place the dough balls on a parchment paper lined baking sheet.

Bake for 18 minutes or until the cookie bottoms are golden brown.

Roll the warm cookies in powdered sugar and allow to cool on a wire rack.

After completely cool, dust with additional powdered sugar.

Makes about 26 cookies.

Revised Source:  “Butter Buttons” recipe on www.CountryLiving.com.

Sometimes the planets align and the world is placed in grave danger.  Yes, last evening, my 6-year-old son Ben and I were left home alone.  The two squirreliest members of the Paulsen family with an unsupervised run of the house.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I am happy to report that we did not burn anything and the dog is safe and sound.  The only glimpse of our combined super squirrel power surfaced at breakfast.  As we ate our pancakes and eggs, Ben and I began discussing unusual coffee flavor combinations.  So this afternoon, I am proud to share our findings with a countdown to the best flavor combination.  Our sacrifice, the world’s gain.

4) Butter and Coffee.  First of all the butter tends to float, prior to dissolving.  Not a pretty sight.  Second, it just isn’t very tasty.

3) Maple Syrup and Coffee.  I really thought this might be yummy.  Sadly, I was mistaken.

2) Butter, Maple Syrup, and Coffee.  I was very reluctant about trying this one, but somehow this was less nasty than having coffee with butter or maple syrup alone.  Who would have guessed?  6-year-old Ben, that’s who, although I suspect he just wanted to see me drink something gross.

1) (drum roll, please)…  Apple Juice and Coffee.  I’m not sure why this worked, but somehow the flavors did not entirely blend.  As a result, you got a taste of apple juice followed by a smooth rush of coffee.  I would not ever select this on its own, but in this case it was the surprise champ.  Now, I’m sort of looking forward to next Autumn, when Ben and I will give hot cider with a shot of espresso a try.  Even squirrels can dream.

 Ben and Dad in their black and white phase.  A tribute to Ben’s stuffed panda bear victory over the claw machine.

Whenever the family travels in my car and Charlene is sitting in the passenger seat, she has a tendency to leave papers in the little plastic “bin” in the passenger side door.  Grocery lists.  Directions.  Brochures.  You name it.  Every so often, I empty the bin, but it is far from a high priority, so it tends to contain dated information.

Driving home from work this afternoon, I glanced over at the passenger seat and something caught my eye.  There in the bin was one of my 6-year-old son Ben’s drawings.  He had jotted it on the back of a church bulletin on Good Friday and Charlene had left it by her seat.

Sure I never imagined Jesus being so happy on the cross, but seeing Ben’s drawing certainly brought a smile to my face.  Yep, I can say for certain, today was a “Good” Friday.

Considering the smile on his face, Jesus certainly exhibits an exceptional degree of composure.

Sunday afternoon rolled around.  April 12.  Only three days to go.  I had put it off as long as possible.  I could wait no longer.  Settling into my chair, I stared at the computer screen.  This was going to be long.  This was going to be painful.

One by one, I entered each paper’s numbers on the screen.  Form after form.  Figure after figure.  The numbers danced.  My heart sunk.  My wallet ached.

After about an hour, my 11-year-old son Jacob appeared at my side and asked if I could play with him outside.  With a deep sigh, I explained in a defeated tone, “No, I’m doing taxes.”

“Doing taxes.”  It sounds harmless enough, but in actuality so painful.  I remember as a child how my father would hide away for what seemed like days, as he entered figures onto random forms.  I imagine a tape calculator burning through deductions.  Smoke rising from the pain.  Ah, the pain.  Pain that stretches across time and generations.  Pain that should qualify as a deduction.

Another twenty minutes passed.  Jacob once again appeared by the computer and asked in a hopeful plea, “Are you done, yet?”  Oh son, how I wish I were done.  Oh son, how I wish.

After three and a half years at the city (see my post “Pride” for background), today was Charlene’s final day at work.  In honor of this new beginning, I would like to raise a toast.  So grab a beverage of your choice and lift it high.

“Here’s to reaching finish lines and friends that carried us through.

Here’s to ending one chapter and turning the page to something new.

Here’s to the dear Lord who will guide us to something great we have yet to comprehend.

Join me in saying, ‘Cheers to Charlene!’

The best damn manager I know, my wife, my beloved, my friend.”

—–

“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

Charlene.  My wife, my beloved, my friend.