A few years ago, I received a box of goodies in the mail from my parents. Much to my surprise the top layer contained a life size cardboard cutout of “Home Alone” child movie star Macaulay Culkin. Ha!

Priceless, plus I hope they properly ensured the box enough to cover a cardboard human inside.  Ha!

Or at least ensure that there were enough air holes for the voyage. Ha!

Well, I have gained lots of pleasure out of Macaulay being a part of our family.

Here he is with the boys shortly after joining our family…

Here he is with me, while I was “Home Alone”…

Here he is in a cameo keeping watch over our snowmen, with the help of Minnesota Twins (cardboard cutout) Second Baseman Brian Dozier…

Here he is featured in an episode of “Where in the World are Jacob’s Socks?”…

My favorite pastime with Macaulay for which I don’t have a photo, but was oh so fun… placing him outside our guest bedroom at night to freak out visitors. Diabolical cardboard sidekick? Indeed.

Unfortunately, cardboard Macaulay has become the victim of circumstances beyond his control. You see, we are moving and I have way too much stuff in storage and in order to save my marriage, I must clean up some of my stuff. Ah, my dear Macaulay, it is time for us to part ways, but first, a proper sendoff is in order. As a result, I am proud to announce a new occasional and completely shown at random www.CookiesbyDave.com miniseries, “Macaulay’s Farewell Tour.”

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but there is no reason that you have to go right now. #TheLongGoodbye

Macaulay shown here in his plush attic accommodations. He still looks happy, because I have yet to tell him about his forthcoming departure from our house and household (gasp!).

Brace yourself for a shocking “Dave’s Attic Cleaning Find”… in the same plastic bag, Yogi Bear and Planet of the Apes mini-figures.

Worlds collide and the end result… a Charlton Heston scale epic.

Grab some popcorn, sit back, and get ready for… “Picnic Basket of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yogi: “Hey, Boo Boo. Is it just me or are those chimps carrying rifles?”

Boo Boo: “Yogi, it may have been a bad idea to steal the picnic basket from the army of angry-gun-toting-talking-monkeys.”

Yogi: “Yes, Boo Boo, but you know how hard it is to pass on good bananas.”

Fact: I like having a toothbrush and toothpaste no more than 100 feet from my grasp. Fresh breath is nice, I like it. As a result, every powder room and bathroom in my house must contain a toothbrush and toothpaste available for my immediate use.

Fact: This strange habit has been the same for all of our houses.

Fact: Cleaning stuff out of our attic, in preparation for yet another move, my lovely and forgiving wife Charlene uncovered a long neglected box.

Fact: Upon opening the old moving box, Charlene discovered a toothbrush (with nasty toothpaste buildup on the handle) and toothpaste, along with powder room decorations from our old home. In Kansas. Where we moved from four years ago. When the movers appear to have just shoved everything from the powder room into a box. Along with my toothpaste. And my toothbrush, which features nasty toothpaste buildup. A lot of buildup. And very nasty. All now mummified and well preserved for study by future civilizations that wish to investigate why people used to brush their teeth in their attic storage space. Obviously a society addicted to minty fresh breath, duh.

Fact: I have used the intro “Fact” way too much.

Fact: I could not even blame the ancient toothpaste/toothbrush combo on someone else, because it was found by my prescription ointment. Whoa, hold it right there slugger, too much information. Extra gross. Don’t you wish you had a toothbrush/toothpaste combo close by to wash the taste of this post out of your mouth?

Fact: I did not repackage the toothbrush or the toothpaste, because dental freshness must come from an unexpired and non-mummified source. Fact.

Really, David, a rule of thumb should be that when your toothbrush develops an inch-thick ring of toothpaste buildup, it is time to buy a new toothbrush. That or of course box it up, ship it to a new house, and unpack it in four years. Both perfectly acceptable solutions, you make the call that’s right for you.

Problem: I cleaned out my closet and tossed out my only two pairs of jeans, because they were all ratty and did not fit right anyway. Unfortunately, it is getting cold out and the yard will need to be racked soon. It is time to purchase new jeans.

Candidate #1: I kind of liked these jeans. They were baggy and seemed to fit fine in terms of height and waist. Unfortunately, my caring wife’s evaluation was that they looked “awful.” My defense, the President wears jeans like this (a.k.a. “Dad Jeans”). My patriotic, but honest, wife’s response, “They look awful on him, too.” Ugh, sorry jeans candidate #1, back to the shelf with you.

Candidate #2: This pair was dark blue and endorsed by my objective wife. Unfortunately, these jeans were tight. I mean Olivia Newton John’s leather pants in “Grease” kind of tight, but in a very bad way. I mean, you could see everything and that is NOT a good thing. Plus, every morning and night, I would need the assistance of a crane to fit into these bad boys. I was a walking sausage and the jeans were the casing. Ewwww. My persuasive wife tried to tell me that I just was not used to non-tent-like jeans, but I was snug, far too snug. I wish I could show you a picture of me in these jeans, but this is a family show and I don’t want trouble with the FCC. Trust me, there would be trouble with the FCC. Sorry jeans candidate #2, back to the shelf with you.

Outcome: My patient wife eventually waited through six or seven jean tryouts, unfortunately none were an agreed upon match. The weather grows colder, the leaves prepare their descent, I shiver and wait for the right jeans to come along.

SPICED OATMEAL M&M COOKIES

“These cookies are a variation of my Grandma Franck’s Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies, where just a hint of nutmeg and the substitution of M&Ms turn these cookies into an Autumn Festival of flavors. The brightly colored M&Ms will engage your eyes, while the cinnamon and nutmeg will dance on your tongue. Simple, flavorful, and fun, what more could you want in a cookie? Enjoy!”

½ cup Butter

¼ cup Sugar

½ cup Brown Sugar

1 Egg

½ teaspoon Vanilla Extract

¾ cup Flour

½ teaspoon Baking Soda

½ teaspoon Cinnamon

¼ teaspoon Nutmeg

¼ teaspoon Salt

1½ cups Quick Cooking Oats

½ cup M&Ms

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter, sugar, and brown sugar.

Mix in the egg and vanilla extract.

Mix in the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.

Stir in the quick cooking oats and M&Ms.

Drop tablespoon size balls of dough onto parchment paper lined baking sheets.

Bake for 10 minutes or until golden brown.

Makes about 30 cookies.

Revised Source: “Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies” recipe found on page 15 of my cookie cookbook, “Today is a Great Day for a Cookie,” available as always for free at www.CookiesbyDave.com.

And this is why you never look at the back of a statue. #AsIfYouNeededaGoodReason

I don’t know if I should be more bothered about my 11-year-old son Jacob’s socks playing hookie or Jacob apparently going to middle school sockless.

#HisShoesareGonnaSmell #Nasty

To my brave wife’s credit, she tackled the “Clean the Hall Closet” project. Asking my assistance to take a diaper box containing old AV cords off the top shelf, I found an old photo memory card lying behind the box.

What could it contain? My mind reviewed all of the possibilities. Nuclear launch codes. The Colonel’s secret recipe. A treasure map. What could it be?

Thankful that our home computer could still read the card, I found a single file named “2005-05-19.”

Clicking on the file, I was greeted by a little boy. My oldest son Jacob, who was at that time our only son, decked out in 18-month-old basketball apparel. He also looks appalled by the dirty kitchen floor in our old house in Pennsylvania. No matter what we tried, we could never get that floor to look clean.

Flash forward 3,766 days. Given enough time, it’s amazing how those things (a.k.a. children) grow. Here’s my now 11-year-old son taking up nearly all of the couch, while he hams it up and reads my Sports Illustrated.

Blessed? Yep, that’s me. Today, celebrating 3,766 days of blessings and counting. Now if I could just get my hands on my Sports Illustrated and in the habit of cleaning out our hall closet more often.

Today, I finally tackled that big pile of papers on my desk.  I was determined to properly organize and file them, just in case something happens to me, like I get hit by a bus or unexpectedly move to a Twin Cities suburb or something like that.  Any who, I think I did a great job.  You be the judge…

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, great job Dave.”  Well, thank you very much, but here’s the thing, it took an extra amount of effort because I have something wrong with my wiring.  Now, I know you’re thinking, “We already knew that,” but hold on and allow me to illustrate using the very exciting “Purchasing Regulations” file.

No you say, “Great choice, Dave, this should be an incredible use of the full power of the Internet.”  Just give me a chance!  There we have it, the sought after “Purchasing Regulations” file.

This is the way a file should sit.  Don’t argue with me, just accept this as a fact.  Okay, good.

The problem was that when I would open the file to enjoy my casual purchasing regulations reading, the papers would look like this…

Unacceptable!  They should of course look like this…

Ahhhh, that’s better.  The problem is that I like to enter papers like this…

Which leads to this…

Unacceptable!  Therefore, all morning, I had to force myself to file like this…

Awkward, but not as awkward as this…

Look at poor big brother Jacob on the right…  poor suffering soul, but anyway, where was I?  Oh that’s right, putting the paper in awkwardly to start resulted in the correct end result (see below)…

Ahhhh, the struggles I overcome just to do a great job.  Just don’t get me started on magazines…

“I sense a great disturbance in the force among my children.” (i.e. the first day of school)

PS – For my fellow geek friends out there, check out my new “Star Wars – The Force Awakens” t-shirt. Be jealous, very jealous. Winning! (i.e. geek for “Winning!”)