Problem: I cleaned out my closet and tossed out my only two pairs of jeans, because they were all ratty and did not fit right anyway. Unfortunately, it is getting cold out and the yard will need to be racked soon. It is time to purchase new jeans.

Candidate #1: I kind of liked these jeans. They were baggy and seemed to fit fine in terms of height and waist. Unfortunately, my caring wife’s evaluation was that they looked “awful.” My defense, the President wears jeans like this (a.k.a. “Dad Jeans”). My patriotic, but honest, wife’s response, “They look awful on him, too.” Ugh, sorry jeans candidate #1, back to the shelf with you.

Candidate #2: This pair was dark blue and endorsed by my objective wife. Unfortunately, these jeans were tight. I mean Olivia Newton John’s leather pants in “Grease” kind of tight, but in a very bad way. I mean, you could see everything and that is NOT a good thing. Plus, every morning and night, I would need the assistance of a crane to fit into these bad boys. I was a walking sausage and the jeans were the casing. Ewwww. My persuasive wife tried to tell me that I just was not used to non-tent-like jeans, but I was snug, far too snug. I wish I could show you a picture of me in these jeans, but this is a family show and I don’t want trouble with the FCC. Trust me, there would be trouble with the FCC. Sorry jeans candidate #2, back to the shelf with you.

Outcome: My patient wife eventually waited through six or seven jean tryouts, unfortunately none were an agreed upon match. The weather grows colder, the leaves prepare their descent, I shiver and wait for the right jeans to come along.