This morning, I would like to present to you a rebroadcast of one of my all-time favorite Facebook posts.  Although some of the details remain a subject of debate, I say, “The winner gets to write the history,” and in this case, I was the big winner.  Fist full of ham and all.  Enjoy.

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“FIST FULL OF HAM” – A Cookies by Dave Classic

Anytime you go to an event and don’t know anyone, it can make for an anxious outing.  That was how I found myself on the afternoon of Sunday, June 5th, 1994.

I arrived at former Professor Daicoff’s home for the “Welcome New University of Kansas Public Administration Graduate Students Picnic” or something similarly titled event.  Exchanging pleasantries, I soon found myself in the backyard, where the new students were milling about and introducing themselves to one another.  That is when I first saw her.  Standing poolside on that warm Kansas day was a vision of beauty chit chatting with some other students.  I knew immediately that I had to say hello.

Walking quickly across the pool deck, I approached the group and extended my hand to introduce myself.  Mistake number one.  Never attempt to shake someone’s hand, when they are already holding a pop in one hand and a small plate of appetizers in the other.  Looking slightly perplexed at my misguided attempt to say hello, she simply shrugged.  No, “Wait a second, while I set these down.”  No, “How silly of me, you are the most polite boy in ages.”  No, “Wow!  You are one handsome stud.”  None of that.  Just a shrug.  So much for first impressions, but I knew I could recover.

Continuing to converse with the poolside beauty, whose name was Charlene, I launched into a dialog about the difficulty of shopping for shorts.  You see, I was from Michigan and my needs were simple.  Kansas is hot and I didn’t own many shorts, so all I needed were a few pairs to get me started.  Beat the heat.  Avoid heatstroke.  Stay cool.  You get the idea.  So I continued with my story about how sales clerks make this transaction needlessly complex.  I don’t need to see the different options, “Shorts.  I just need shorts.”  This is how the story goes.  Mistake number two.  Whenever introducing oneself to a beautiful woman, never launch into a story, which makes you appear to be a backwater idiot.  Save that for conversation three or four, once your wit and good looks have become overwhelmingly apparent.  Never use the new “backwater idiot” material to start.  Just not a good idea.

Well anyway, the pretty lady managed to extract herself from the conversation and I at least had the common sense not to cling to her side.  Good move, slick.  Fortunately, I was lucky enough to strike up a conversation with the hostess, Mrs. Daicoff.  Turns out, the Daicoffs were also from Michigan, so there, I was not entirely alone.  Things were looking up.

During the conversation, it was announced that the new students could walk through the buffet line first and fill their plates.  Good logic.  Judging from my inexpensive “University of Michigan” mass produced polo, I needed a good meal.  Hey to my credit, I had enough common sense to wear a collared shirt, so back off.  Well, I continued chatting with Mrs. Daicoff as we entered the buffet line.  Mistake number three.  When you generally have trouble concentrating, don’t try to accomplish too many things at once.  Say for instance continuing a conversation, while also trying to fill your high quality picnic buffet paper plate.  Chatting away, I thought I was doing well.  I had managed to select a tiny dinner roll, which was intended to hold deli meat for a sandwich, while still chatting with the hostess.  I was golden.  Rolling along, I spotted the shaved ham.  Now, I am not a big ham fan, but occasionally it can complement a lovely meal, so I reached into the catered warming tray and grabbed a handful.  Then I saw Mrs. Daicoff’s face turn a ghostly shade of white and you could see the wheels spinning in her head.  “What kind of beast child did we invite into our home?”  Confused, I looked away and everything became clear.  At once, I saw the unused tongs, as well as my fist full of ham.  Yes, I had reached directly into the warming tray and snatched an entire handful of ham with my grubby mitts.  I was disgusting.  I was repulsive.  I was holding a whole bunch of ham and I don’t even really like ham.  Mrs. Daicoff’s mind kept spinning, “It is going to be okay.  Have the tray removed.  Call the caterer.  Get some new ham.  Have someone else babysit ape-boy.  It is going to be okay.”  To my credit, I placed the three pounds of ham onto my little dinner roll and decided that I would pass on the rest of the food.  I just looked like a really must enjoy ham.  Enjoy it so much in fact that I could not wait to get my hands on it.  Yum!  Ham!

Finding a spot at a poolside table, I realized that my luck was again turning.  I had sat directly across from the previously mentioned poolside beauty, Charlene.  Now, I was too far away to really carry on a quality conversation, but I figured that I would try.  What did I have to lose?  I had already been brushed off by her and my initial attempt at a conversation was an epic fail, although I still think the “shorts” bit was promising, it just needed work.  A lot of work.  Mistake number four.  Never try to carry on a conversation too far across a table.  It just does not work.  Too much cross noise.  Too many distractions.  Take for instance the fact that I had an enormous ham sandwich in front of me that I would be nibbling at for the duration of the afternoon into evening.  Too much to overcome, but I tried.  Why not?  She was cute.  I was breathing.  I had a chance, right?  Not so much.  After a few exchanges, a professor came up to introduce himself to Charlene.  At that point, it was all over for the Daveman.  She held up an index finger, as if to say, “Just a second, please, ham-boy” and she turned away.  At least I had my sandwich.  Now, that was an impressive accomplishment.  Never before had one guest piled so much ham, so high, on such a tiny dinner roll.

Leaving the picnic alone, I figured life was not too bad.  After all, I did have a full belly.  I had met some nice folks.  I certainly needed some polishing around the edges and my chances with the poolside babe Charlene were nonexistent, but the weather was warm and I owned some new shorts.

Twenty-one years later, looking back, things had taken a turn by the Daicoff Family pool.  My life now headed in a new direction down a blessed path.  Sometimes first impressions can be overcome.  Sometimes the awkward guy, who is babbling on about purchasing shorts, ends up with the pretty girl at the party, but in this instance it would have to wait for another day.  A day when I would marry Charlene.  Days when we would together face life’s joys and challenges.  Days when we would raise our three treasured boys.  Days that all found their start poolside, with a fist full of ham.

 Yep, this handsome dude turned out to be the big winner.  He got the girl and an epically large ham sandwich.  Win, win!