Heading to the Minnesota Twins game, I thought for sure I had a great strategy for getting on the Jumbotron.  In between innings, always wear my red spandex mask.  The same mask that I occasionally wear for my son’s Willmar Red Sox games.  No exception, wear the mask.

Well, I tried hard…

Group photo?  Check.

Annoy random lady in jean jacket sitting behind me?  Check.

But no matter how hard I tried, no appearance on the Jumbotron.  As the game approached the ninth inning, it became hard not to notice the somewhat inebriated folks in the row in front of us.  This was especially true when one of their party took off his shirt, which promptly created a buzz among his friends.  “Dude, you are going to get kicked out.”  “Put back on your shirt, I’m not kidding.”  “It’s considered indecent exposure.”  Well thankfully peer pressure worked and the man put back on his shirt and covered up his pasty not-anywhere-close-to-Brad-Pitt-type physic.

The closer shut down the top of the ninth and the Twins won.  I wore my red hood for one final (and again unsuccessful) attempt to appear on the Jumbotron.  Oh well, I tried.  That’s when newly shirted and wanting to sober up man turned to see my costume.  Then looking at me with sad and somewhat tipsy eyes, he asked in a very sincere and oh so awkward way, “Can I try on the mask?”

A bit stunned by the question (after all, who asks to wear anything made of spandex that has been on another person’s body?), I somewhat reluctantly said, “Sure.”  I did not want to hurt his feelings, but on the other hand, I had no idea where his head or hair had been earlier in the day.  The situation saddened my soul.

Handing over the mask, he tried it on for a very long and very uncomfortable minute.  Then he asked several times where I bought it.  “Ebay” was my response each time.  His mind struggled to grasp the transaction.

Now, after I wash my spandex mask in hot water with a generous helping of laundry detergent, I shall live my life by a new creed.  “Dudes should not wear other dude’s hats, especially when spandex is involved.”  That’s just a squeeze play in a bad way.  Say hey.